No. 6: Super Duper Sumos, Game Boy Advance

Whoa. So, this Game Boy Advance exclusive apparently has three obese men rubbing their buttocks together. I’m pretty sure that’s not how you sumo wrestle. And, if that green stuff is any indication, these guys are simultaneously farting. Evidently, the cover designer accidentally took a piece of clip art from some sort of weird fetish website, and stuck it on the cover of his game. And, somehow, it received the much-coveted Nintendo Seal of Approval. Hopefully for the actual content of the game, not the freaky cover.

No. 5: Kinectimals, Xbox 360.

Oh, dear Lord! I’m pretty sure the Kinectimals cover is the most frightening thing I’ve seen since I watched The Shining. Look at that thing’s eyes! Animals aren’t supposed to smile. They never, under any circumstances, are supposed to smile. And if they do manage to smile, it’s incredibly creepy, and grandpa needs to take that animal out behind the shed and do what needs to be done. Anyway, this tiger’s eyes look like they contain the souls of the thousands of Red Ring of Death’d Xbox 360s. I guess this is just another thing that proves PlayStation’s dominance over Xbox.

No. 4: Freestyle MetalX, Xbox, PlayStation 2, GameCube.

I don’t know if I’m cheating here, but Freestyle MetalX released a different cover for every console it was on. A pretty good idea, except each cover was freakier than the last. It’s hard to explain, but it seems like each character had several other versions of themselves jumping out of their facial orifices, making for a truly terrible cover series.

No. 3:  Karnaaj Rally, Game Boy Advance

Wow, another GBA cover. Those guys must have had some really crappy cover artists. Anyway, this looks like it was crated by a sixth-grader who had just figured out how to use Photoshop on his dad’s computer. And another Nintendo Seal of Approval. Man, Nintendo’s standards must have really slipped over the past few years.

No. 2: Scrapyard Dog, Atari 7800.

This cover has all the makings of something created under the influence of some sort of hallucinogenic drug. You have the dude with the disproportionately large nose, the seemingly flashing colors floating around him, and a dog who looks like it’s possesed by the Kinectimals from the future.

No. 1: Xenon 2: Megablast, Commodore Amiga, Atari ST, IBM PC, Sega Master System, Sega Mega Drive, Acorn Archimedes, Game Boy, NEC PC-9801, Sharp X-6800

Now this looks like what would happen if someone took every dangerous drug at the same time, and then went on there Commodore Amiga. This is exactly what they would see. Well, you can’t blame the designers for being unimaginative. Because whatever they took the morning before the cover design meeting, put their imaginations to the max. I’m starting to feel buzzed just looking at it.

(Dis)honorable Mentions, the covers that were bad, but not bad enough. So, it’s a win of sorts, for them.

Every Sega Master System cover in existence

Trevor McFur in the Crescent Galaxy. I can’t tell what’s weirder. The furries or the furries.

Super Bust-A-Move. The title of the game would’ve been considered terrible if it wasn’t for the freaky cover overshadowing it.

Phalanx. Just FYI, Phalanx was a space shooter. The mystery of what a redneck with a banjo is doing on the cover of a space shooter haunts historians to this day.

Metro Cross. This cover set skateboarding as a sport back 15 years.

Irritating Stick. And, boy, was that stick irritating.